Posts Tagged ‘satire’

Batusangkar, Indonesia: A jockey spurs cows as they race in muddy rice fielCHARM CITY – A church member who missed paying his tithe for the first time in five years was disciplined by his pastor by asking him to ride two bulls through a ten mile stretch on the banks of local river. The incident occurred last month when Pocoyo’s only five year old daughter fell sick and the fisherman had to use his meager earnings to cover health expenses.

“I have to pay for my sins,” said Pocoyo. “I was told I had robbed God of his money and didn’t have enough faith. That’s why all these things are happening to me. But I hope after riding those bulls through the river I will have atoned for my sins.”

Unfortunately it was reported that the senior pastor had not witnessed Pocoyo’s endurance race the first time and he will have to ride the two bulls again this weekend. The pious man is still keen to make amends and to “increase his faith” has in fact paid up his tithe for the next month in advance.

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anointedLAIGOS – A youth pastor who has always hunted for the anointing finally managed to find it after attending a break dance audition show. In typical fashion the youth took his photo and tweeted it out to mark the momentous occasion.

In other news…

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CHARM CITY, Durban – Today it was  falsely rumored that paleontologists may have finally found ‘the missing link’. The ever elusive “missing link” is said to be the gap in the fossil record purported to be from a transitional life form between any animal and its supposed evolutionary ancestor.

“Have we finally found any missing link? Have we?” asked the initially excited and curious news anchor.

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beach-mansionsFLORIDA – A rift has developed in a church after a prosperity pastor preached a radical message that ended up backfiring on him. The motivational speaker who believes that people can name and claim their blessings was irked when a church member was found marching round his mansion praying over it and “claiming it in the name of Jesus”.

“Surely I felt God was telling me that this is my mansion. It has my destiny written on it!” explained the church member when security was called.

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lexus-lfa-1Tokyo – A man has sued his pastor after realizing that actually life has become worse after saying the sinner’s prayer. Zhang who has been attending a new church in town for the last eight months was promised a better life. However his excitement has been short lived.

“I was told God has a wonderful plan for my life and if I said a simple prayer things would get better. I repeated the words after the pastor and then I went back home. My friends left me, my fellow gang bangers have abandoned me. Surely ….” sighed the irate man.

The church located in the center of one of the most metropolitan areas of the city, has a giant neon billboard that proclaims ‘Come to Jesus and have your debts cancelled, Job promotions, success in life and a happy family life’.

“I thought by now I would be driving a Lexus like the pastor but up to now I am still  walking on foot. My friends even call me Footsy-bishi!” lamented Zhang.

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VANUATU, South Pacific Ocean – A deeply concerned pastor on the small South Pacific island nation of Vanuatu has put together a band of missionaries and church planters to spread the gospel to America.

Pastor Lolu says he was troubled when he heard that in America there are churches where people gather in great numbers but the name of Jesus is not mentioned.

“I think some one has sown a different gospel in this land far far away,” lamented the pastor, “we will begin our journey by boat and it may take us a couple of months in the rough waters.”

The man of God was troubled when he heard from a tourist who also called himself a “Christian” that sometimes they have services where they don’t mention the name of Jesus or even read from the Bible. This may offend and upset some new comers he explained.

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TEXAS- A mega church has turned the tables on church dodgers in a move that is going to raise a few eyebrows. The popular church has purchased a state of the art next generation drone. The computer controlled drone is said to be equipped with facial recognition soft ware and GPS grid mapping with an accuracy up to two inches.

“Umm, we prefer to be called a purpose driven church! You see we just realised that as a mega church we were having many people coming on Sundays but we had no way of differentiating between visitors and members,” explained Thomas Copelin the lead pastor.

“We move with the times but realised we couldn’t follow up all our attenders. That’s a thing of the past now as we are in the process of incorporating a software that will fine church dodgers automatically if the drone maps them out of the church premises on Sundays,” added the innovative pastor, “this initiative may be controversial but it will definitely keep our numbers up.”

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