Posts Tagged ‘humor’

LA- Churchville: A village church recently improved it’s early attendance by 100% and has maintained it for over seven years in a row after introducing a unique one day challenge for serial late comers. 

“I’ve never been late! Ever since 1956 when I was sent for the early rising pioneer training,” said Mr Barebones who used to be a habitual late riser and was the first trainee.

It’s said the training routine could be exported to cities like New York, London and beyond (even Moscow) after urban metropolitan employers heard of the wonders of the little known wonderful miracle training course.

Just when you thought it couldn’t happen – you could be next!

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TEXAS- A mega church has turned the tables on church dodgers in a move that is going to raise a few eyebrows. The popular church has purchased a state of the art next generation drone. The computer controlled drone is said to be equipped with facial recognition soft ware and GPS grid mapping with an accuracy up to two inches.

“Umm, we prefer to be called a purpose driven church! You see we just realised that as a mega church we were having many people coming on Sundays but we had no way of differentiating between visitors and members,” explained Thomas Copelin the lead pastor.

“We move with the times but realised we couldn’t follow up all our attenders. That’s a thing of the past now as we are in the process of incorporating a software that will fine church dodgers automatically if the drone maps them out of the church premises on Sundays,” added the innovative pastor, “this initiative may be controversial but it will definitely keep our numbers up.”

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CHARM CITY – A young man attending an inner city church service on Sunday for the first time was thrown into a panic attack when he inadvertently sat in the front row. There was a loud bang as laser lights flashed and zigzagged across the faces of the audience.  An eerie blue smoke screen wafted across the floor from under the front row seats to reveal a dozen shadowy figures crawling and somersaulting in from behind the side doors…

“Uh, are we under attack? Is that a SWAT team or NAVY SEAL team?” exclaimed the petrified teenager to his neighbour.

“No, dude where have you been? That is our contemporary praise band just warming us up for worship!”

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headset microphonesCHARM CITY, Chica – A local pastor was delighted when mid week his dynamic sound team introduced a new gadget to their armory -a wireless headset microphone! So, come Sunday morning the chatty and enthusiastic minister took to his pulpit at 10 a.m to enjoy the untold wonders of the wireless challenge.

Nine hours later he was still going on and on – had it not been for the batteries finally running out at 7.02 pm.

A bleary eyed choir member is said to have remarked at the end of the service to the minister, “Oh! The joys of modern innovations!”

The Floating Axehead will let you know what happened next here.

 

20140625-144525-53125468.jpgCHARM CITY, Shenfield – A new Bible, The Butchered Bible, released recently had sold out within days. Many churches have opted to adopt the new version saying it is not as offensive as other editions.

“We really welcome this new bible,” said an excited pastor with a beautiful floral rainbow coloured tie. “Some sections have been cut out and edited to make it more relevant to it’s audience. We do hope that it is even edited further in the next coming months!”

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20140609-172420-62660139.jpgCHARM CITY, Central – In typical fashion the soccer season has commenced with a bang and a popular church in the city has decided to make a bigger bang by inviting people to watch World Cup during Sunday service.

“We bought four giant 3D TV screens so that people can watch World Cup live as the sermon is going on in the pulpit. Well what more can I say?” Explained the senior pastor.

“We realised some people love soccer so much and cannot take time to attend Worship on Sundays so we decided to get this solution and make them happy. It works very well. I can’t believe we hadn’t thought of this all along.”

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