beach-mansionsFLORIDA – A rift has developed in a church after a prosperity pastor preached a radical message that ended up backfiring on him. The motivational speaker who believes that people can name and claim their blessings was irked when a church member was found marching round his mansion praying over it and “claiming it in the name of Jesus”.

“Surely I felt God was telling me that this is my mansion. It has my destiny written on it!” explained the church member when security was called.

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A Free Syrian Army fighter in AleppoCHARM CITY, Texas – This Sunday was rather unusual in a mega church that is known to attract celebrities and high flying personalities. The pastor of the church decided to invite an old school friend whom he hadn’t seen for a while to preach in his pulpit.

“I didn’t know the guy was a Calvinist. I swear I would not have invited him if I knew this would happen!” lamented the pastor.

Apparently the visiting pastor began to preach on man’s total depravity and on “sin and unrighteousness”, he even asked the congregation to repent so as to flee the wrath to come. The sermon however did not go down well with the usually fun loving laid back congregation. A section of the congregation stood up and in one accord revolted against the visitor.

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dogs-and-theologyCHARM CITY Sheffield – A man who has always denied the existence of God and the after life suddenly realised his folly on Wednesday evening when his door key accidentally flew over fence and landed in an empty bowl. But this was no ordinary bowl -it belonged to Luther, the neighbour’s ever grumpy and angry muscle ripped hound.

Just as the hapless man was about to lean over the fence to scoop out his keys, his eyes met with something. There were two glistening beady eyes peering over a notice he had always ignored.

IS THERE LIFE AFTER DEATH? JUMP THIS FENCE AND FIND OUT!!

More so the athletic canine seemed to have broken his leash!

 

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iron-manCHARM CITY GUANTANAMO – A set of customized Iron man like suits have been issued for sale to Christians in persecuted countries. Another bunch has been commissioned to be used by missionaries.

This has come against a tide of recent onslaught of bitter persecution to Christians especially in Western Africa, Middle East and Korean peninsula. The gifts were received with much appreciation.

“Now we are completely protected. I tried on a suit and walked into a barrage of bullets and didn’t even flinch,” reported an excited pastor whose church building was burned down the week before. “Surely, now I know I can put my faith in the arm of flesh! In fact it’s so safe that I already stopped praying to God to protect us after getting my kit!”

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lexus-lfa-1Tokyo – A man has sued his pastor after realizing that actually life has become worse after saying the sinner’s prayer. Zhang who has been attending a new church in town for the last eight months was promised a better life. However his excitement has been short lived.

“I was told God has a wonderful plan for my life and if I said a simple prayer things would get better. I repeated the words after the pastor and then I went back home. My friends left me, my fellow gang bangers have abandoned me. Surely ….” sighed the irate man.

The church located in the center of one of the most metropolitan areas of the city, has a giant neon billboard that proclaims ‘Come to Jesus and have your debts cancelled, Job promotions, success in life and a happy family life’.

“I thought by now I would be driving a Lexus like the pastor but up to now I am still  walking on foot. My friends even call me Footsy-bishi!” lamented Zhang.

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VANUATU, South Pacific Ocean – A deeply concerned pastor on the small South Pacific island nation of Vanuatu has put together a band of missionaries and church planters to spread the gospel to America.

Pastor Lolu says he was troubled when he heard that in America there are churches where people gather in great numbers but the name of Jesus is not mentioned.

“I think some one has sown a different gospel in this land far far away,” lamented the pastor, “we will begin our journey by boat and it may take us a couple of months in the rough waters.”

The man of God was troubled when he heard from a tourist who also called himself a “Christian” that sometimes they have services where they don’t mention the name of Jesus or even read from the Bible. This may offend and upset some new comers he explained.

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TEXAS- A mega church has turned the tables on church dodgers in a move that is going to raise a few eyebrows. The popular church has purchased a state of the art next generation drone. The computer controlled drone is said to be equipped with facial recognition soft ware and GPS grid mapping with an accuracy up to two inches.

“Umm, we prefer to be called a purpose driven church! You see we just realised that as a mega church we were having many people coming on Sundays but we had no way of differentiating between visitors and members,” explained Thomas Copelin the lead pastor.

“We move with the times but realised we couldn’t follow up all our attenders. That’s a thing of the past now as we are in the process of incorporating a software that will fine church dodgers automatically if the drone maps them out of the church premises on Sundays,” added the innovative pastor, “this initiative may be controversial but it will definitely keep our numbers up.”

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