lexus-lfa-1Tokyo – A man has sued his pastor after realizing that actually life has become worse after saying the sinner’s prayer. Zhang who has been attending a new church in town for the last eight months was promised a better life. However his excitement has been short lived.

“I was told God has a wonderful plan for my life and if I said a simple prayer things would get better. I repeated the words after the pastor and then I went back home. My friends left me, my fellow gang bangers have abandoned me. Surely ….” sighed the irate man.

The church located in the center of one of the most metropolitan areas of the city, has a giant neon billboard that proclaims ‘Come to Jesus and have your debts cancelled, Job promotions, success in life and a happy family life’.

“I thought by now I would be driving a Lexus like the pastor but up to now I am still  walking on foot. My friends even call me Footsy-bishi!” lamented Zhang.

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CHARM CITY, Durban – Today it was  falsely rumored that paleontologists may have finally found ‘the missing link’. The ever elusive “missing link” is said to be the gap in the fossil record purported to be from a transitional life form between any animal and its supposed evolutionary ancestor.

“Have we finally found any missing link? Have we?” asked the initially excited and curious news anchor.

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VANUATU, South Pacific Ocean – A deeply concerned pastor on the small South Pacific island nation of Vanuatu has put together a band of missionaries and church planters to spread the gospel to America.

Pastor Lolu says he was troubled when he heard that in America there are churches where people gather in great numbers but the name of Jesus is not mentioned.

“I think some one has sown a different gospel in this land far far away,” lamented the pastor, “we will begin our journey by boat and it may take us a couple of months in the rough waters.”

The man of God was troubled when he heard from a tourist who also called himself a “Christian” that sometimes they have services where they don’t mention the name of Jesus or even read from the Bible. This may offend and upset some new comers he explained.

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TEXAS- A mega church has turned the tables on church dodgers in a move that is going to raise a few eyebrows. The popular church has purchased a state of the art next generation drone. The computer controlled drone is said to be equipped with facial recognition soft ware and GPS grid mapping with an accuracy up to two inches.

“Umm, we prefer to be called a purpose driven church! You see we just realised that as a mega church we were having many people coming on Sundays but we had no way of differentiating between visitors and members,” explained Thomas Copelin the lead pastor.

“We move with the times but realised we couldn’t follow up all our attenders. That’s a thing of the past now as we are in the process of incorporating a software that will fine church dodgers automatically if the drone maps them out of the church premises on Sundays,” added the innovative pastor, “this initiative may be controversial but it will definitely keep our numbers up.”

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HAMBURG, Germany – A secluded and gated community was rudely awakened this Saturday as a group of Jehovah’s Witnesses made a surprise visit. Well not to be deterred by the high gates and barbed wire fences the visitors armed with Watch Tower magazines took to the air and literally rained down.

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CANBERRA, Australia – Life Valley church was treated to a message from a different text last Sunday but no one noticed. Wayne Riggs the pastor of the local church apologised in the mid week meeting explaining that he had accidentally misplaced his Bible on the local bus and picked up another commuter’s book thought to be a Quran.

Not realising the difference since the two books looked alike while he was running late he had hastily proceeded to church and even preached a rather lengthy sermon. The gaffe was only realised when Pastor Riggs’ teenage daughter was tiding up the next day and saw a book with a strange name on it.

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20130910-182115.jpgNASHVILLE , Tennessee – Pastor Osteen has made an announcement that has shocked his congregation. Pinning up an impromptu notice amidst tears he explained that he has realised how prosperity gospel has wrecked many souls and confessed that it is not even the gospel. He further explained that he was going to focus more on repentance beginning this week. This news is indeed likely to have epic ramifications.

The man of God was seen preparing for a mid week Bible study with a real Bible tucked under his arm and a couple of Bible commentaries in Greek and Hebrew. Close friends say he has recently been reading old classics by the Puritans and has been spending nights awake scouring over Reformation History.

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