Archive for the ‘Church growth methods’ Category
Tags: cancelling, games, sunday, super bowl, wrstlemania
Yup, I am practicing a look. You see it comes to that time every so often when Wrestlemania, World Cup or Super Bowl comes around on a Sunday and some pastors are torn between the glamour and allure of “Sportendom” and well… God. Needless to say these are very trying times for many half committed hirelings. Seriously! Saturday night comes and they are in major panic mode and cruising to hash tag system overload. Do they call people to worship the next day or do they look for a loop hole and use a politically correct or socially acceptable term and cancel church service all together?
Indeed the excuses over the years have been many ranging from we want to be “moving with the times”, “be more relevant”. Of course if you have a mega church with half committed folk you wouldn’t want to upset some of those Wrestlemania fans who feel it’s actually a lot better being some where else on the Lord’s day or the football lovers who never walk with a Bible to church but feel they have a sense of spiritual urgency to kick back. So, many indeed were the first to ask a few years back – that what’s wrong when…..
“We’re moving service times for the Big Game,” reads a bold message on the NewSpring Church website.
“We know the game is important so we’re moving the service times to better fit your schedule,” says the megachurch,
Tags: end time food, satire
Novastovsky is selling biscuits and gravy. Well you see, he says these are just not any type of food.
“I realised people are intrigued about the end times so I decided to sell something that they would like to hear about. I give them what they want to hear or to eat.” He explained.
“I tell them that at the end of the world if there is no food available, or if they feel they have been left behind, just one bite of my biscuit dipped in my gravy can keep you going for 40 days!”
Tags: celebrities, satire, ushers
Newalk,JY -After a seven year search the city’s largest mega church has finally got the one ultimate usher that they have been looking for. Crowd control is no longer going to be an issue -needless to say from now on, unruly congregants who run out of synche to get autographs from celebrity pastors will be in for a big shock…and a super kick to boot 🙂
Tags: church wifi, satire
Newyark, MS – A church has seen its numbers rocket through the roof after installing 24 hours free super fast wifi.
Speaking to reporters the pastor said he hadn’t anticipated such a surge in numbers.
“We were targeting young people so we decided to use free wifi to draw them out of their houses. We have 24 hours wifi with super fast internet access. We promise them that they can surf during the service and in the church premises at any time of the week.”
Since the free wifi was launched the church has had to start renting the whole street block. Plans are underway to set up a mega church facility able to house 20,000 people with pets facilities, games complex and holiday resort.
“We initially took over the nearby cafe and restaurant, but now we plan to extend this franchise around the country. With time we may just stop calling ourselves a church and just be a social club with good intentions for a greener earth.”
Well why not?
Just watch this space.
- Church hires church growth guru and gets MASSIVE results but all backslide the next Sunday!!!
- Pastor sends church late comers to extreme boot camp to improve time keeping!
- Noah 2: Methuselah survives flood and kills Noah![movie]
Tags: cuba churches, todd bentley
Now that Cuba and America are celebrating their new found relationship I wonder if the island nation is ready for a brand of Christianity that is not found any where in the Bible?
What if Todd Bentley (shudder) sneaks onto Air Force one and drops into Havannah? (Shudder shudder)
Tags: Christianity, easter bunny, satire
Missacosta, WS – The pastor of a very popular church says he is considering tendering in his resignation if members don’t send in enough tweets to answer the biggest dilemma of his career. This has now led to a stand off.
While preparing for this year’s Easter celebrations pastor Donogood reports, ” This year I want to take things to another level. I realise we now have large congregation and I want to keep every one happy and entertained – so I want to dress up as a bunny this Easter.”
“But my biggest dilemma is just I can’t decide whether to be dressed as a fuzzy bunny or a nifty hare. So I have had to turn to twitter and must get a vote count by Easter morning or I will resign.”
The tweets are already coming in – but there seem to be mixed feelings.
“Hey a fuzzy Easter bunny hopping up and down the aisle could touch a heart especially when the gospel fails,” said one tweet.