Archive for the ‘Christianity’ Category

iron-manCHARM CITY GUANTANAMO – A set of customized Iron man like suits have been issued for sale to Christians in persecuted countries. Another bunch has been commissioned to be used by missionaries.

This has come against a tide of recent onslaught of bitter persecution to Christians especially in Western Africa, Middle East and Korean peninsula. The gifts were received with much appreciation.

“Now we are completely protected. I tried on a suit and walked into a barrage of bullets and didn’t even flinch,” reported an excited pastor whose church building was burned down the week before. “Surely, now I know I can put my faith in the arm of flesh! In fact it’s so safe that I already stopped praying to God to protect us after getting my kit!”

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20130915-000429.jpg PARIS- A youth pastor was quite remorseful this Sunday after one of his means and methods of getting children saved came under scrutiny. Four weeks ago the creative pastor was concerned that the children in his class were not interested in the things of God.

“It’s just like these kids are dead in sin. We have tried all games on Sundays, pizza parties, paintball games and even bought computer games for them to play during Sunday school but none of them is interested in Christian things,” said Jean Claude. ” So I decided I will make them get saved by my purpose driven means and methods.”

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A Free Syrian Army fighter in AleppoCHARM CITY, Texas – This Sunday was rather unusual in a mega church that is known to attract celebrities and high flying personalities. The pastor of the church decided to invite an old school friend whom he hadn’t seen for a while to preach in his pulpit.

“I didn’t know the guy was a Calvinist. I swear I would not have invited him if I knew this would happen!” lamented the pastor.

Apparently the visiting pastor began to preach on man’s total depravity and on “sin and unrighteousness”, he even asked the congregation to repent so as to flee the wrath to come. The sermon however did not go down well with the usually fun loving laid back congregation. A section of the congregation stood up and in one accord revolted against the visitor.

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churchesCOPENHAGEN – An English speaking congregation rejected it’s long awaited pastor just because of his name. The congregation which had been praying for a pastor for the last two years made the rather interesting decision after a cheeky church member noted the rather interesting coincidence.

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TEXAS- A mega church has turned the tables on church dodgers in a move that is going to raise a few eyebrows. The popular church has purchased a state of the art next generation drone. The computer controlled drone is said to be equipped with facial recognition soft ware and GPS grid mapping with an accuracy up to two inches.

“Umm, we prefer to be called a purpose driven church! You see we just realised that as a mega church we were having many people coming on Sundays but we had no way of differentiating between visitors and members,” explained Thomas Copelin the lead pastor.

“We move with the times but realised we couldn’t follow up all our attenders. That’s a thing of the past now as we are in the process of incorporating a software that will fine church dodgers automatically if the drone maps them out of the church premises on Sundays,” added the innovative pastor, “this initiative may be controversial but it will definitely keep our numbers up.”

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In a bid to bring all robbers and non tithers to toe the line a certain congregation got it right between the eyes from their pastor. He built a special board of shame…1601496_344625509009679_339240622_n

I wish this was fiction! Another case of pastors gone wild!

Batusangkar, Indonesia: A jockey spurs cows as they race in muddy rice fielCHARM CITY – A church member who missed paying his tithe for the first time in five years was disciplined by his pastor by asking him to ride two bulls through a ten mile stretch on the banks of local river. The incident occurred last month when Pocoyo’s only five year old daughter fell sick and the fisherman had to use his meager earnings to cover health expenses.

“I have to pay for my sins,” said Pocoyo. “I was told I had robbed God of his money and didn’t have enough faith. That’s why all these things are happening to me. But I hope after riding those bulls through the river I will have atoned for my sins.”

Unfortunately it was reported that the senior pastor had not witnessed Pocoyo’s endurance race the first time and he will have to ride the two bulls again this weekend. The pious man is still keen to make amends and to “increase his faith” has in fact paid up his tithe for the next month in advance.