Man makes a fortune selling ‘End Time’ biscuits and gravy

Posted: September 4, 2016 in Christianity, Church growth methods, Satire
Tags: ,

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NORTHERN, City – A man has become an instant millionaire after devising a marketing scheme that has appealed to several churches in the City.

Novastovsky is selling biscuits and gravy. Well you see, he says these are just not any type of food.

“I realised people are intrigued about the end times so I decided to sell something that they would like to hear about. I give them what they want to hear or to eat.” He explained.

“I tell them that at the end of the world if there is no food available, or if they feel they have been left behind, just one bite of my biscuit dipped in my gravy can keep you going for 40 days!”

“I have had several churches buying in bulk and stocking the merchandise in their basements and even inside their bedside bibles. I have honestly been surprised by the enthusiasm. Some churches have recently requested that I should pre-bless the biscuits so yes we now do add a writing on the cover that the food plus pets packages are ‘Pre-blessed Foods for the Saint and Puddle’!”

When asked why he has become rich within a short time:

“Ah, that’s quite easy. You see most Christians don’t read their Bibles – and they usually like fads. As soon as you discover a fad all you need to do is give it a religious spin. No one ever questions – get some dirty rain water and just call it ‘holy water’ from River Jordan you will sell gallons. I am thinking of cutting up my old bed sheets and will sell them as ‘anointed’ prayer cloths.”

He then dropped the biggest surprise, “You see I am not a bad guy. I am just a good Atheist who likes taking advantage of the foolish and naive.”

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