Church installs Smoothie and Espresso taps on pews to boost numbers.

Posted: August 17, 2014 in Church growth methods, Pastors gone wild
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espresso tapCity Central – A popular urban church decided to install luxurious taps on their pews that dispense smoothies, fizzy drinks, espresso coffee or ice cream. This came after a desperate summer where the attendances had hit rock bottom.

Speaking last Sunday after the first installments an excited and beaming pastor gladly announced:

“Yes, finally we are now in business. Today we were filled to capacity! Even the pastor’s seat was taken up by somebody as soon as he went to the pulpit to make an announcement!”

“This is truly an innovative idea. Why should the people come to church and just sit and listen to a sermon? One can do other things in the pew like enjoy their favorite soft drink. We are here to please the congregation so why not?”

When asked if the developments wont be a distraction to the preaching of the Word:

“We already thought of that…Er..we now shorten our messages to five minute motivational pep talks. You see our marketing surveys and research revealed that people come to church to be entertained so we have cut back on sermons and hymns. Our entertainment ministry is actually recruiting more performance arts students so that in the next coming weeks we will have more dances, mimes and movie clips to go with the Sunday experience!”

The church’s doors are said to have been reinforced with heavy duty titanium bolts as the previous doors were easily pushed down by eager early risers and enthusiasts. However news in the vine is that a growing number of people are not happy that their favorite beers and lagers are not on the menu – this could mean that there may be a fierce stand off with the pastors in the horizon.

Will they give in? Watch this space!

 

 

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