Church hires church growth guru and gets MASSIVE results but all backslide the next Sunday!!!

Posted: May 31, 2014 in News, Pastors gone wild, Satire
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roller coasterCHARM CITY, Suburban – A small suburban church decided to revamp it’s methods by hiring a church growth guru. The first Sunday the entrepreneur was invited he decided to unleash the most pragmatic method of growing a church – a high speed vertigo inducing roller coaster.

After rigging up 500 people into  a roller coaster in turns with head phones on, he decided to start the 200 miles per hour vehicle. Explaining his methods later he said:

“Well, I realized if you seat these people in an anxious seat and push the right buttons then they can make a decision to come to church and become Christians. I am glad to announce that my pragmatic methods have yielded over 99% results. All who came off the ride signed forms to say they have decided to become saved. They don’t know it yet but they have become followers of Jesus.”

“I usually have no time for theology or telling them about sin and the cross. I just cut to the chase and put them in an anxious seat and ask them to decide or I won’t stop.”

It’s not known how many converts the purposeful personality is making per day as more churches are signing up to have the maverick specialist to boost their numbers despite other critics saying that the converts don’t seem to be lasting for long. No one has seen any of the new converts reading their bibles, attending bible study or even keen on the things of God.

Next Sunday we will bring the latest update here.

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