Pastor finally confesses to engineering spurious ‘spontaneous’ mass baptisms.

Posted: February 21, 2014 in Celebrity pastors, Christianity, Church growth methods, Satire
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hit by water cannonCHARM CITY – A pastor who recently discovered a novel way of getting many unsuspecting people baptized has finally come clean. To get thousands of mass ‘spontaneous baptisms’ in your church requires a little pragmatism explained the pastor who baptized two thousand people last month alone.

“Well, we just realized fewer people want to identify themselves as Christians in our congregation and even fewer want to get baptized. However we were able to register record numbers of baptisms  by fooling and priming audiences. And if you thought we are going to stop – you are absolutely wrong, ” said the pastor.

The pastor explained further: “About twenty people will sit hidden in the congregation and will be the first ones to move when the pastor gives the call. They then move tactically and intentionally through the highest visibility areas while urging more people to join in.”

“They are in the crowd and stand up but never intend to be baptized, these shills stand up and everybody else follows. Simple.”

“I know what some of you are thinking but look at the results! If God does not move we can twist his hand so that something happens. That’s how we get our revivals and it’s definitely how we always get our mass spontaneous baptisms working,” quipped the man of God.

Unveiling a new military grade water cannon device this week, the maverick pastor announced that he was going to raise the bar once again with a new tweak. The church has purchased this  ultra high velocity water cannon which will now be used unreservedly for mass baptism at short notice.  The water cannon device is said to be the envy of the city’s firefighting department and riot control squads.

The grinning pastor then spontaneously proceeded to an impromptu demonstration by turning the hose pipes to full throttle on one nosy news reporter who was beginning to ask tough questions on the Sovereignty of God and if numbers are really an end-all declaration of heaven’s approval.

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